Awakening to what some of my issues are:

In the thick of divorcing, I was met with an amazing amount of opposition. I now see that getting a divorce, was probably the single best decision that I ever made. But at the time, some were of a very different opinion. I had two church leaders who both counseled me to "repent" and take my husband back. One of these men still has stewardship over me today, and I meet with him occasionally. After our last "interview", I felt so emotionally beat up, so judged and berated, that I cried and cried when I returned home. I prayed for comfort and understanding. The spirit enlightened my mind so that I was able to see that what I was feeling, was victim energy! This man had many of the same mannerisms, similar body language and style of communicating, as my former husband! THESE WERE MY ISSUES! It wasn't him - IT WAS ALL ME!!!!!!! I had met my abuser in a different person - meaning that I felt similar triggers, my buttons were being pushed all over the place! This good man, striving to help and bless my life, was in no way responsible for my emotional reaction. I was hard wired, because of 21 years of abuse, to react defensively to his particular style.

After this realization I spoke with a dear friend who counseled me to continue fasting and praying in order to understand my feelings, and in order to come to peace with this leader's style, because he was not the only one who would "push my buttons" so to speak. I would have interactions over and over again with men and women with similar styles to my former husband, and if I didn't work through this, I would be debilitated, slapped upside the head and thrown into a tail spin, every time I was around them. It is my work, my job to come to understand my feelings and what causes them. It is my responsibility to heal enough to be able to work well with all types of people. I must become whole enough, safe enough, grounded enough, to be able to not let someone's style ruffle my feathers or ruin my day!

Do I have issues? YES!!!!! But I am becoming aware of them, bringing them into the light and working on them with all the energy of my whole soul! I honestly do my best, every single day of my life, and that's all any of us can do. ~ Julia