Here I am

I got a hand analysis done this week. One thing I learned from it is that my life lessons include working with guilt and self-worth issues. I am very familiar with the self-worth issues. In fact, I was at a workshop this weekend and I found a belief that I didn't fully realize before. I found that I believed that it was safer to be invisible. Interesting. . . I saw that it's true, I would rather be in the background. I may even alter what I order at a restaurant or what I wear in order to be less visable to those around me.
Well, it was time to change that belief. My new belief is about the way I choose to enter a room full of people. I throw my arms out (even if it is just a little), and say to myself "Here I am", as if I were royalty. Because I am. I am the daughter of a King. I am a daughter of God. It serves Him, others, and myself to be visible. I have much to offer and so does everyone. We need to make ourselves more available to offer what we have. Hiding out doesn't give us that opportunity as often.
So, I open my drawer full of beautiful scarves that I've been collecting but been too afraid to wear, and I choose one and wear it. It feels a little scary to be seen, but also right. I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone today. Take a risk. Be a little bit more of who you are made visible. It's part of the process of awakening. ~Julie

Paradigm Shift

I had a huge paradigm shift last night. I had been feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, helpless and hopeless - I was a minus 37 on a scale from 1-10. For the second month in a row the day for the child support/alimony payment to be transferred into my account, came and went with no payment. I completely allowed myself to wallow in self pity and victim energy - I was not in a good place.

Last night I talked with an incredibly wise and insightful mentor who helped me to find my inner strength, take responsibility for my life and my circumstances, and make the decision that failure was not an option. I will not loose my home, move into government housing and live on food stamps. There is no reason on earth that someone with the unique talents and abilities that I have, to live on that vibration level.

Life is the question. I am the answer. I must answer. I must answer yes. Yes to accepting 100% responsibility for myself and my children, for my life and my happiness. I can succeed. I will succeed. I am enough. I am more than enough. I will recognize the "shilop" energy (that is a new word. It's shit, throw up and plop combined for theatrical purposes), look it in the eyes and because of my awareness of what I'm dealing with - choose to make the courageous, powerful choice of being my best self, living my best life, no matter what the circumstance or the people that surround me.

God's plans are much higher than our own. I'm going to relax and lean into the wind, flow with the current, let go and let God guide me. He's really in the driver's seat if I can let go enough of my pride and my ego to allow him to steer. I don't have to see the destination, just the next step I need to take, and then trust Him to always reveal it to me.

I'm in a different place today - just four days after -37 . . . . in fact I could honestly report that today was a 10! Perspective and attitude obviously make all the difference in the world. Everything will work out - Pres. Hinckley, a prophet of God said so, "Be believing. Be happy. Don't get discouraged, things will work out." I can choose my life so I choose to believe him.
~ Julia

Facing the Giants

I saw the movie Facing the Giants last night. Although the acting isn't great, I love the message. It's what I've been focusing on for the last several weeks. It's about committing, focusing your efforts, and leaving the outcome up to God. It's about realizing that we don't know what's best for us, what will bring forth the greatest purpose of our lives. We have been given inner desires, the passions and talents we were born with. And they move us in a direction in life. I believe these are the arenas in which we will play. But in order to make the most of our lives, really live our purpose, and influence others in the most significant way, we have to let go of the outcome and we have to ask for help from our Higher Power.
In the movie, the coach does this. He's at the end of his rope. He is full of fear. And so he turns to God and puts all of his trust in Him. The coach, in his asking, receives a download of what to do with his team to make the biggest impact, not necessarily to win. And then he acts on this download of information. He gets his team on board with him. And they work hard everyday, with the right focus. Then some amazing things start to happen. They start winning for one thing, some miracles occur in the lives of many players and then from there other students. He receives gifts that didn't seem in anyway related to what he was doing as a coach, that amaze and overwhelm him.
These are what I believe happen when we have the right focus and we really put in the work in a consistent manner. Karma comes back. We are blessed in miraculous ways. Sometimes the miracles are obvious and sometimes we have to look for them and acknowledge them as such. Today I will do these. I will recommit to the priorities in my life, practice the rituals that I have put in place and act on inspiration, and then I will look for the miracles of today. This is a way to see who we really are and see what we are capable of. It's better than we think. ~Julie

Expect Success!

I met a guy today who has "lost everything and started over" four times in his life. It reminded me of something Donald Trump said, that if he lost his fortune today, it wouldn't even matter. No one can take away his experience and wisdom. He knows how "the system" works, and he'd just create his empire again.

Is that what I'm supposed to learn from my financial challenges right now, that it really isn't the economy, the job market or the balance on my credit card that matters - it's what's in my head and my heart that counts! I have skills, talents and gifts that nobody else has. This circumstance is compelling me to share the essence of who I am, with many more people.

There are other options. I could live in government housing and live on food stamps. Women choose this all the time. I'm not going to "take this lying down". I'm a fighter. I view trials and challenges as opportunities to show exactly what we're made of.

I am a champion; a woman of great capacity - as I radiate the joy that comes from living God's perfect plan of happiness. He wouldn't allow this test to come into my experience without also giving me the ability to work my way out of it. (1 Nephi 3:7) Having God on my side, I expect to succeed. I live my life as a river - constantly surprised by it's own unfolding. I can't wait to see what's around the next bend. It's an amazing adventure. ~ Julia

Staying in the Flow

I'm finding out what happens when you are committed and when you do admit you're powerless. What I'm starting to see is that things move to a place of ease and flowing. Things begin to happen. Sometimes they aren't big things, yet. Sometimes they are just little things, like ideas or interactions with someone. But there is a quality to the ideas and to the interaction that feels different. It feels like something is opening up. It feels good, exciting even. It has an effect on your day. It is easier to feel grateful and blessed.
So, what's next when you begin to feel this way? Keep it going, of course, but you can't force it. If you try to force it, you move out of the space and move into ego. Ego wants to force everything. Listen for the feeling of resistance or forcing or frustration beginning and stop there. It's time to focus on something else. You can come back to it later when it's the right time. Balance is part of it. If there are other priorities like home, children, husband, etc, those need to be given time, attention, presence. That is the way to continue the flow. Remember to do the rituals that you have set for each of your priorities, maintaining the commitment. Then it will come back around and it will be time to again work on the idea. And because you listened to those feelings of maintaining balance and priority, I suspect, the ideas and the next steps will follow. I will try this and learn and we will hopefully see what it is like to remain in the flow. Let's try this experiment together. ~ Julie

Actions are linked to beliefs

Beliefs create actions. We can always see someone's behaviors, and know that they are linked to their core beliefs. If I don't like the results (the symptoms) of my choices, I can be sure that what's at the foundation, the real problem, is my messed up belief - because my life is a perfect reflection of what I believe. My circumstances are congruent with how I view myself and the world that surrounds me. If I were on "a higher vibration", better things would be happening to me. I attract who I am, not what I want. I can say I want something with my words, but my choices and actions, (driven by my beliefs), bring me my results, my circumstances.

This is a rough reality for someone who married a controlling man, has seven children, is divorced and who's "wasband" just quit paying child support and alimony. What do these facts say about me? Where am I. I won't let myself deserve anything other than what I've got right now, at this very moment.

Somehow I will find and fix the beliefs that are causing these undesirable results. I will become liberated from the deception and lies that I've bought into all my life. I will uncover and re-examine "what makes me tick". I will choose new, healthier beliefs to live my life by.

When this happens, I will find a job that is perfect for me, using my talents and extra ordinary genius. I will make enough money to be self sufficient, and support myself and my little ones. I will fix up the home I live in, or sell it and move to a new home that is in good repair. I will exercise and eat more healthy more consistently. I will feel close to the spirit, being guided by the Lord and having an inner peace that permeates everything I do. I will find and fall in love with the man of my dreams - we will be equally yoked, and complete this amazing journey side by side. I will drive a truck. I'll be completely out of debt. I'll be the co-founder of an incredible women's center, where women come to be strengthened, blessed, nurtured and healed.

When I expose one core belief at a time, everything about me and the circumstances that surround me will change. I'm committed to being patient with myself, knowing that life brings me everything I need at the perfect time and in the perfect way. I can't go from A to Z in a single bound. I'm content to savor the lessons and enjoy the journey. Life is an amazing adventure. I accept and embrace where I am now, and look forward to all the wonderful things that await me in the future. ~ Julia

I am Powerless

So, I learned something this past week. I learned that no matter how hard I try to change myself, I cannot do it alone. I believe that I have to depend on a Higher Power to change me. I have to admit that I cannot do the changing and I need help. You see, my husband and I have been doing all we know how to do in changing our financial situation. We use affirmations, we are grateful, we pay tithing, we serve others, we work hard, we are good people, we are believing. But these things aren't enough. We have to be changed at the heart. We have to emit a different energy than we do. And we can only do so much toward that energy emitting. To actually change our vibration to a higher one in terms of financial abundance, we have to ask God to grace us with that. So, I will still do all that I can do to change, to improve our situation. But I will also, every day, turn it over to God. I will admit I need Him. I will and do ask Him to change me. Here is my poem about this:

"I am powerless" . . .
When I act it
Or when I say it
Disguised in other words,
Then it is true.
But when I say it,
When I acknowledge it
And turn to Source
It brings power
Transforms to
"I am powerful". . .
It's the only way
I just say it
"I am powerless"
And I fall to my knees.

So as I let go and let God, I know I will be taught and I know I will be guided. May it be so for you too. ~Julie

A visit to the Manti Temple

I went to the Manti temple last week. I was married there. I've been back many times, but this time, going as a single woman was very different than any other time I've been. I remembered things. I somehow saw everything in a different light, because of my recent past. I remembered my Mother in law being impatient and controlling on our wedding day. I sat in the Celestial room, on the very couch where my husband and I sat, right before being led into the sealing room to be married. We were the first couple sealed in that temple when it was rededicated in August of 1985. It is an incredible sanctuary. The spiral staircases are masterpieces.

I looked into a mirror, which had another mirror directly across from it, at the base of one of those staircases. In each sealing room they have opposing mirrors that make the images go on forever. This time, as I stood alone, in my full temple clothes, I saw my image go on and on. I thought about my journey, my courage. I thought about my mother and her mother and my female ancestors from many generations back. I felt like the offering of my life was acceptable to my Heavenly Father - that I am enough. I've made mistakes. I've learned from my mistakes. I've grown into a champion because of my trials and obstacles. I still have so far to go, but I know that I strive to give my best each and every day, and that is all that is required - Christ makes up the difference.

I was able to feel a great sense of closure because of my visit to this particular temple. I revisited past feelings and memories. I questioned things and came away pleased with the answers that I was able to give myself. Divorcing was the single best decision that I've ever made. "Sticking it out", "Enduring to the end", was never God's plan, when one of His precious daughters is being controlled, manipulated and betrayed. I've been promised "all that the Father hath" if I will but be faithful. I love the Lord with all my heart. I will keep my covenants. I will be faithful, so in this life or the next, it really doesn't matter, I will be blessed to be partnered with, equally yoked with a wonderful, worthy husband. This I know.

But for now, I am enough. I am good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, smart enough and courageous enough to do all that the Father asks of me, because He will be at my side. He will be my strength and my support. If the Lord is with us, we cannot fail. I expect to succeed. I am only responsible for myself and my actions. So maybe I didn't succeed at marriage, but I feel that I'm succeeding at life. ~ Julia

The Beauty of the Obstacle

I had an awakening moment this weekend. I got to go with my husband to a reunion with his old college roommates. We all went to BYU back about 20 years ago. Even though the campus is less than an hour from my house, I haven't made a point to go back and visit. I had some alone time walking around after a tour of campus and a short movie about how BYU came to be. During my alone time I felt some strong feelings surge through me. I realized that I had some negative feelings about my college experience, not because it was negative for me. It was actually very positive. I learned how to live on my own. I felt the strong sense of Spirit infused in my acedemic classes because of the nature of the school. I met my husband there. I accomplished something not so easy, a bachelor's degree. These were all very positive. But what I came to realize was that I had had some expectations leaving college, my husband and I. We had expectations that we would find it easy to make income and provide for our family. That has not been the case and I have subconsciously had some blame toward the school and really probably the culture that "promised" me an easy life if I followed the rules. Or so I thought. I guess I really hadn't wanted to go back to BYU to visit. I didn't really have very much loyalty to the school, and I've never taken any of my kids there to visit.
When this all came to my realization, I was amazed. In reality I am very grateful for the experience at BYU that I had. I am who I am, partly because of my experience there. I am blessed to have been able to have had those experiences. And what is really true is that college did educate and prepare me in many ways. The path that we have taken with financial difficulty has also been valuable. I am grateful for it too.
Later on, after our tour and everything, we went to the art museum there on campus. I found a particular painting inside that put it all into perspective for me. It was a beautiful view of the side of a mountain, a rock wall straight up and very wide across. The artist said his inspiration for painting this scene was a hiking trip he went on, at which he was following a trail and came upon a similar scene. This huge obstacle was in his way which halted his journey, yet at the same time it was such an amazingly beautiful scene. His message to me was that even my biggest and seemingly insurmountable obstacles in life are beautiful because of what they are teaching me.
My financial obstacles that have seemed so big and difficult to overcome have also brought me to my gifts and to my dreams, and those are the most beautiful things to me. And as I continue to climb and find my way through, I know that the lessons and the beauty of the journey will grow into my most valuable insights and accomplishments. I am grateful, for the obstacles and for BYU. I think I'll take my kids on an outing. ~ Julie

Get up!

I received a phone call Monday that forever changed my life. I have been a stay at home Mom for the last 22 years. I only "worked" for one year during that time, as a Mary Kay sales director. When I heard that there would be no money coming in this month, and that the future looked doubtful and unstable financially, I way propelled into a different world.

It's been so long since I've felt hopeless and helpless, that I've forgotten how to do it, and how to get out of it. I catch myself holding my breath, I wonder why. I'm used to being in control of my life, having the confidence that everything will work out, that I can handle anything that comes my way. Do I hold my breath, subconsciously hoping to slow things down enough to be able to sort things out and bring things back into a manageable space again?

Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I create thousands of dollars of income a month when I have not been in the workplace for decades and don't even have a degree? I sing, I dance, I do Listening Coaching, I speak Spanish and I love people. These are my gifts, my talents and skills - my Extra Ordinary Genius.

I've transformed many areas of my life in the last few years, why is the financial area so terrifying to me? I've had experience with the Lord doing huge miracles. There are unlearned lessons that lie ahead in these uncharted waters. He wants me to learn and grow and progress. Isn't that why we're here on the earth. I'll take a step out into the unknown. I take action, make some small effort, any effort will get me out of my comfort zone. If I just start moving, the way will open up. Opportunities and abundance are all around me, I know, my eyes are just blind to them right now. I will make the effort, set tiny goals and achieve them one by one. I will enlist the help of those around me, who love me. If I don't move my feet, how can God guide my footsteps? In three months from today my whole life will look remarkably different/better. My intention is to move full steam ahead, in whatever path that presents itself, and soon it will be evident how all the pieces of this puzzle fit. A beautiful picture of my new life is about to unfold. ~ Julia

Awakening Just Keeps Happening

Today I really did it. By the time I’m done writing this blog entry, I will have spent 3 hours on work, only items that work toward our goals financially or business-wise count. First I made a plan of what needed to happen during my work at home time. Then I tried to do the hardest things first. Making phone calls is my hardest thing, but I did make 3 today. Then I did some study & writing, did some email and computer work, and a few other things. Okay so it wasn’t super productive, but I did my best. And I will again. And if I continue putting forth the effort into these projects, I will succeed. Things will start to happen. I do believe that now. So with my faith firmly in place, I go forward.
How does this all apply to awakening? For me to realize that the things I do matter, they can make a difference, just breakthrough and do the hard stuff, do any action, don’t let myself be paralyzed, don’t let myself be distracted, “doing” all of this stuff is huge for me. It’s making me a more present and awake person It’s solidifying for me that movement, action coupled with a faith that the little things will add up and that Divine providence will step in and make things happen that I couldn’t have predicted. This is my awakening. Because awakening just keeps happening if we let it. If we take a look at ourselves and our results, what needs to change? It is always us. We are the only ones that we can affect. Our lives are the way they are because of what we’ve got down and because of what we are still working on. I have found this true in my life. So I will just keep doing something, the best somethings I can come up with, and look forward with anticipation to the beauties that lie ahead. ~Julie

Facing My Fears

Fear. I think fear undermines our success in life more than anything. I think fear controls us more than anything. Why are we so paralyzed by fear? I know I am. There are fears about a million little things in regard to our success. I'm not sure I can really do it. It may take more than I can give. It may be the wrong direction completely. What will others think of me? and a million more. But it all boils down to fear. Fear that we are not enough. Fear of our greatness. These are the real fears. And when I really think about it and stop letting unconscious beliefs rule, I know beyond any doubt, cognitively, that I am enough, it's okay to be all that I am. Yet the power of the fear remains. And the only way to deal with it is to go straight through. As is always said, we must "face our fears", so that we can know inside that they are not the truth.
So then, if this is all true, we should be spending our lives looking for opportunities to expose our fears and then do those things we fear until we no longer fear them. What a way to live life. Especially for someone like me who wants to experience peace and comfort in my life as much as possible. Yet also, I have been someone to expose myself to the illusions of life and bring greater reality into the lives of people I work with in my practice. It is such a paradox of life, that the thing we want most is what we are most afraid to go and get. And unless we want to pretend we don't want it anymore and slip into "sleep", we've got to go and do it. Today I will go and face my fears once again. Maybe you can too. ~ Julie

Attitude

I got a mammogram today. Self care is crucial when you're single. I have to take care of me, because no one else will. Really, no one else can. I have 100% responsibility to take care of my own needs, and make myself happy. Everyone does really. No one else can "make" us happy.

When I wake up in the morning I get to choose what kind of day I'm going to live. Will it be wonderful or frustrating, because really no matter what the situation or circumstances are in our lives, we get to choose our attitude.

It's been interesting learning how to lower my expectations when I'm not feeling "up to par". I allow myself to take it easy, take a hot bath, eat a treat, take a walk. I give myself permission to go to bed early and let the children read quietly in their rooms after evening prayer. If I'm honest about where I am and how I'm feeling, I can push myself to accomplish great tasks when I'm "at the top of my game", but when I'm feeling out of sorts, I acknowledge that as well, and "give myself a break".

It's funny. In the past, I've had a pattern of "falling apart" during my PMS time, but now I just schedule it in - in my planner I make a note to take it easy on myself that week, and things go SO MUCH BETTER now.

So, today I choose to have a super fantastic day! I choose to do several things that make me happy, that bring me joy. I choose to "put on my face", do my hair and go out into the world looking like a million bucks. I choose to cuddle my sweet children, to make a good meal, to go out dancing until I turn into a pumpkin. Today is the only day we have to live. Make it a good one.
~ Julia

Commitment

I finished my 3-day juice fast and I will report on how my intentions were met. My intentions were to cleanse my body, my home, and my mind, also to internally focus and show love and care for myself. I did, I'm sure, cleanse my body to some degree; I was faithful on the cleanse and didn't cheat or anything. My home did get some cleaning and my bedroom did get some de-cluttering, although it isn't finished. I did internally focus and show self-care really well on the first day. The second and third days were more busy, so not as much unfortunately. I did do some mental/emotional work that allowed for some de-cluttering of my mind. I let go of some mental confusion and I also committed to some daily rituals.
"Committed" is the word that became significant to me throughout these days of self-reflection. As I sat talking and doing some emotional work with my sister, she helped me see that I have had a problem with committing lately, if not throughout my life. I especially see it being a problem over the last six months or so. I ask myself why and the only answer that I come up with is fear. I've been afraid of failing, afraid of doing what it takes to succeed, and even afraid of success itself. I've been approaching new territory in my work and in my state of abundance. I haven't been comfortable with it. I have been sabotaging myself.
Well, since seeing this pattern in myself earlier in the week, I have taken some steps toward committment to my success. I worked hard to increase attendance to a class that was held at my house yesterday. I wrote a training on reaching out to others and sharing ourselves with them for my women's circle. And I've been working harder to reschedule clients when they come in. I have a commitment to work 3-4 hours a day to increase income. And I recommitted to my women's circle to be more actively involved.
In recommitting myself and putting in the time to show that commitment, I'm already seeing the karma of it in my life. I'm noticing that when you put time and effort into something, it comes back to you. Maybe not in the way you are expecting, but it does come. So I will count on that, as I go forward into my work and my abundance. I will work hard and I will look for the results from whatever direction they come. Even in the 3-day fast itself. I put forth the effort and results came in a completely different way than I expected. It's a beautiful thing! ~Julie

I have a body!

I went running for an hour this morning, on the Provo River Trail. It was cold. It had just stopped raining and the wind was blowing hard. I finished my run, and felt like I could go on for another hour nearly without effort. Where did this new body/mind come from?

For years exercise has been a chore, a necessity, a bother. Now, I love moving my body. I feel connected to it more strongly than I ever have before. I realize that I have accountability for the choices I make that affect it. I am responsible for my health, the food I eat, the rest I get and the exercise I choose. My body is the instrument through which I will sing the song I came to this earth to sing. This "body costume" is what clothes me as I live out my life's mission.

Of course I have a few "trouble spots" that I'm not too happy with, but for the most part, I accept what is. I am grateful for all that my body does for me. I can walk and run and dance. I can speak and cheer and sing. I can see, hear, touch and feel. Just being alive is a wonderful thing! I am grateful for the gift of this precious day, and for the miracle called "the body". I am in awe at the strength, vitality, love and beauty that are expressed every day, just because our spirits were allowed to take on human form.

I am perfect, whole and complete. I am enough. My body is amazing. Today I'm just deeply grateful to be alive. ~ Julia

Cleansing, Self Care, and Intention

I started my juice fast today. I actually fasted most of the day for personal and religious purposes and then broke that fast with juice only. I didn't think it would be a good idea to fast, eat regularly for a meal and then go to juice fasting in the morning. So, my cleanse has begun. I am feeling low energy and a headache at the moment. Those are normal signs of a cleansing. As the toxins move out, it sometimes doesn't feel very good. I will drink some more water in a few minutes and then head to bed.
So, why do I do these juice fasts? I have been doing them regularly since I learned about them from my mom, who is a master herbalist, about maybe 15 years ago. Actually, I'm now remembering trying different diets/cleanses when I was even in high school, just because I was interested in health and keeping my body healthy. Our body builds up toxins from regular daily life, from foods - even if you try to eat fairly healthy, from our environment, and even from toxic emotions. Giving my body a time to rest from digesting food, and then aiding it in letting go of what it doesn't need, has been a helpful practice. I find my body starts to ask for this cleansing time, I feel I need it. Sometimes I put it off, but eventually I make it happen. My mom says that doing a cleanse starting each new season isn't too much. I don't do it quite that often.
I've tried different types of cleanses over the years, but the one I do most often is the 3-day juice fast taught by Dr. John Christopher. You start with prune juice in the morning and then alternate water and apple juice every half hour throughout the day. Yes, lots of bathroom time. But I'm glad to take the time to do this for myself.
It's called self-care. And as we make self-care a practice, a ritual, whatever that looks like for you, we are better able to approach our lives and our relationships with peace and authenticity. So this brings me to gratitude for an opportunity to practice self-care and self-love. And then to make it more powerful, I will set an intention for this time.
I declare this to be a time of de-cluttering my body, my home, and my mind; a time to be more internally focused and a time to show love and care for myself.
I wondered what would happen if I just kept writing this blog entry. It took me a few minutes, but I got to what I needed, making the intention. Intention brings more purpose to the things that we do, makes them more meaningful. And so for tonight, I am complete. ~Julie

Seeing with new eyes

Yelling, bickering, name calling, contention. The aftermath of abuse in my home. The children just returned from a day of being with their father. I truly don't know how they are when they are away, but when they return to my care, there is definitely an adjustment period that goes on, that isn't any fun.

Patterns are learned and formed at a very young age. Every home models "appropriate" behavior, and beliefs. Paradigms are shaped. When we "grow up", we come to understand that the world isn't as black and white as we might have thought. We understand that the "right and wrong" that we adopted from the training in our home of origin, doesn't always align with reality or truth.

I'm not good enough. I have to earn love. I don't matter. I'm dumb. I can't. I'm a failure. I don't trust. I have no power or control. - Do any of these strike an uncomfortable cord deep inside of you? It's hard work uncovering these lies and then rewriting your beliefs, but it's worth every effort. When we can see "what is", and realize that every circumstance and situation is NEW, we can start to withhold judgement. Stop and think. Breathe deeply. Learn to live life by choice. Judge each moment with new, wiser, more mature eyes. We can start over. Begin to look at life without old filters, making each day an experiment, waiting with bated breath to see what new discoveries we can make.

Now as I type, the children have been kissed and sent off to bed. Besides a song on the radio, all is calm and quiet. In the days to come, they will have to find quiet within their own lives, within themselves. They must earn the peace that comes to a soul after it has been tested and tried, and come out the other side - the victor. Each of us have our own battles to fight, our own war to win. May we be valiant as we prove what we're made of, and lean upon the One who created us for strength and support. He never said it would be easy; He just said it would be worth it! A prize never fought for, has no value. We must pay the price to meet our sacred selves. I've had glimpses of her. I'm determined to find her and become her. There is joy and satisfaction in the journey. It's a great adventure. ~ Julia

Risk it

I've been reading a book about the great composers and their spiritual lives with a women's classic's study group. We met last night to discuss this book. It was wonderful to meet with these women to discuss this book. It allowed for a more "real" exchange than just where I usaully see them. We talked about what we liked about the book, of course, and there was much to like. It was good to know how the great composers, like Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms conducted their lives, their good qualities, and how their actions or words (as well as their music) showed their devotion to God.
It was also good to talk about how to use this book to see our lives with new perspective. The question was asked at our study group, these men obviously fulfilled a mission they had in bringing forth this beautiful music to the world, do we each have special missions to the world and are we living them? Great question for the group and I would've liked to explore it further. But one woman spoke about fear and how it really takes a risk to live that kind of life. And she maybe wasn't willing to do that, too great a risk. Another woman said that she was indeed living her purpose, which involved homeschooling her children. She said she felt liked she received a very personal answer and inspiration to do this for her children, and from then on she was sure and had to follow through on it and take the risk. Is the lesson, don't ask if you don't want to know?
Well, I also know part of my mission in this life. It is to do energy and emotional healing work with anyone who will come to me. And in doing this, help them to see and feel the truth of who they are, while letting go of false beliefs and stuck energy. When I do this work it brings me tremendous satisfaction and joy. I also feel, like the great composers, that I act only as a vessel. They saw it all as coming from God, not them. I feel the same. I suppose that as we take the risk, step into the unknown, ask for knowledge of our own mission, we are given answers and powers to do the work, yet feeling our inadequacy and reliance on Spirit to bring the beautiful outcome. May we each take the risk. The more we risk, the greater the joy. ~Julie

Appreciating what is.

I had my annual breast exam and pap smear yesterday, my mammogram is next week. I'm grateful for the wonder of my body. I'm in awe that I was able to give birth to seven beautiful children. (I get frustrated with the monthly time of feeling irritated, grouchy, angry and sad - that we call PMS. This is one part I would choose to skip if I could.) Yet I love being a woman. I love feeling instantly drawn to a baby's cry, or a child's laughter. I love creation: cooking, organizing, nurturing, planning. There are days that I feel overwhelmed with all my responsibilities, but for the most part, I love being a mother. I enjoy being part of my children's journey. I know if I will but do my very best each and every day, they will follow my example as they carve out their own destinies.

I am grateful for a beautiful, strong, healthy body. I've learned to honor it much better during the last year. When I'm sad or frustrated I'll go on a run now, instead of take a nap or eat an entire half gallon of ice cream. I take a long hot shower or a warm bubble bath with candles instead of staying in a room where contention is brewing.

I would love to be the mother who puts meat and potatoes on the table for dinner every night, or who has warm, freshly baked cookies waiting for her children when they return home from school, but I need to be content with the things I'm willing and able to do. I sing a "good morning song" to wake my children at the start of a new day. We pray and read from sacred scripture morning and night. I make delicious muffins often. I'm an excellent cook, (when I cook). And I put lavender essential oil on the feet of each of my children before I kiss them and send them off to bed.

I don't have to look like anybody else's idea of a "perfect mother". I am the perfect mother for these particular little ones growing up in my home, and they are the perfect children to teach me all the lessons I need to learn. We're all in this together. We're on the same team. (Heated sibling quarrels, PMS and all : ) When they're all grown, I'll get to be the grandma who kisses the babies and then sends them home with their parents. My influence won't be as great as it can be now with my own children. I won't wish away today as I yearn for tomorrow. I'll treasure all that being a stay at home mother brings my way, and be glad for the opportunity to learn, grow, love and progress, right along side my little ones. ~ Julia

Love the Questions

A poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. . .

Be patient
Toward all that is unsolved in your heart
And to try to love the questions themselves
As if they were locked rooms
Or books written in a very foreign language.
Don't search for the answers,
Which could not be given to you now,
You would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
You will gradually, without even noticing it,
Live your way into the answer.

It's beautiful. Julia and I read it the other day as we sat in her living room trying to move toward our dreams, wishing we knew all the answers of how, where, with whom, and most of all, when. Huh, live the questions. . . How do you do that? (Another question.) I guess to really live the questions, we are moving forward without worry, fear, without doubt. We are doing our best with it right where it is. We are loving the journey. We see it as an adventure with a general idea of where we'd like to end up, knowing that the destination could be different and better than we could imagine. That is, if we never give up on the adventure. We keep doing the next thing.
So, we are still on our way. We started working on this women's awakening thing about a year ago. It's had some interesting twists and turns. We could've bagged it. But, here we are, doing something, doing several things actually, and one of them is write something on this blog every day. Then maybe, just maybe, one day we will gradually live our way into the dream. ~Julie

Out with the old. Bring in the New.

I put on a sweater this morning because it was a little chilly as I got dressed. It was a soft mint color with flowers embroidered on it and white scalloped edges, a beautiful sweater. It is an older style however, more loose and "grandma" looking than the clothes I've been wearing lately. I lost some weight, so I now wear more up to date, form fitting clothes. I've somehow felt uncomfortable wearing this quaint sweater, a little out of sorts, "not quite like myself" all day long. When I stopped to examine my feelings I found some interesting things.

Over the last three years I've changed some pretty major things in my life. I divorced. I hired a professional organizer (and 15 truck loads of stuff left my home). I began exercising consistently and eating more healthy, and lost 50 pounds. The woman I am now, doesn't in any way resemble the woman I have been for the last two decades. Things are very different on the outside, and on the inside too.

"Old" clothes, old thought patterns and old habits, just don't seem to fit any more. I've transformed. I'm the "new and improved" version of myself. I've awakened to the responsibility I have for my own life and my own happiness. I've begun to understand my value and my divine mission. My life has purpose and meaning. I feel awakened, empowered and fulfilled. I feel alive. I've heard it said that a mind once stretched to a new dimension, can never remain the same. I believe that a soul, once awakened can never go back to sleep. There is a lot of work that must go into becoming all that the Lord created us to be, but it's very fulfilling work.

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be awake. I am grateful that I've created a "new" me. I think I'll stop writing right now, and go and change my clothes so I'm more appropriately dressed for the next portion of this wonderful journey?!!! ~ Julia

A Fresh Start

I spent the morning up at my sister's house today. We had fun hanging out, but we sort of had a purpose for getting together also. It was to support each other in our processes. Fall seems a good time of year to reprioritize, organize, and look at things in a fresh way. We both decided that we needed this. So, next Monday we are going to start a 3-day juice fast to cleanse our bodies, do some organization and clutter removal from our houses, and start a new way of ordering our lives. We will do some of the same things we do already, but perhaps look at them a little differently. I'm not good with to-do lists. I can make them okay. I just don't often get them done. And if you don't get them done you feel like you failed. If you do get them done, there is always more to do. So, we are going to try looking at our priorities and settting up rituals to support those priorities. I have a priority to have a good relationship with my husband, for example. A ritual we have had in place for a long time now is a weekly date. We spend all of Friday evening together out somewhere, often staying up until quite late, and then even hanging out in our room until late Saturday morning. This has been wonderful for us. We also have a longer get-away planned for twice a year, just the two of us. Without these two rituals in place, I really wonder if we could've survived together these past 20 years. I'm so glad that we formed these rituals and have stuck to them. It shows true priority. I can do this also for other areas in my life. Here's a short list: personal time/spiritual connection, children, home space, business/work, friends & fun, creativity. I will set more clearly the rituals for each of these priorities and view my days in that framework. We'll see how it goes. ~Julie

A broken heart

Dating at age 47 is very different than dating at 18. I encounter men with such different backgrounds and life experience that I'm forced to be open minded, non judgmental and realize that there is good in every one of us. Some guys scare me. Some I wouldn't choose to spend another date with, let alone the rest of my life. But most have come to me to teach me something, to help me on my journey, to hold up a mirror for me to see all my unresolved issues. It's a fun, exciting, crazy, wild and amazing adventure.

I find myself developing attachments with some that I know are "bad for me", similar to what I chose in my codependent relationship with my former husband. I catch myself betraying what I desire most. I course correct, cry, do some shopping therapy, pray and then cry some more. I'm lucky to have learned so many invaluable lessons over the last couple of years. I have strict rules for dating now. My main rule right now is no lips. I find that once a kiss is given, it's hard for me to withhold my heart, and until I know for sure that the guy is going to "float my boat" for the rest of my life, I choose not to bestow that precious gift. I'm grateful to have gotten to know myself well enough to understand my triggers.

I read an incredible poem the other day that perfectly describes this phase of life that I'm going through:

AWAKE

If you are listening,
If you are awake
to the
poignant beauty of the world

Your heart breaks
regularly.

In fact, your heart
is made to break;

Its purpose is to burst open
Again and again
so that it can hold ever more wonders.

- Andrew Harvey

So the adventure continues. ~ Julia

Money issues revisited

Almost daily we get chances to awaken more or at least see how awake we are. The other day I had the opportunity to see how awake I am in a particularly difficult area for me.
I've had a history of struggle in the area of finances. It just happened to start about the time I got married and has been on-going, with ups and downs, throughout our marriage. I used to blame it all on my husband and his negative money issues. I thought - he came from the family with financial problems and I came from a family that was financially stable, where money wasn't an issue. So obviously it was all his fault, right? Well, as immature as that sounds, that was how I thought for a long time. But to my credit, I have been consciously working on this for several years now.
Well, the other day my husband came home from work and told me that he had some bad news, his company had cut his salary and eliminated his benefits. Immediately I went to a bad place and started to show some anger toward his boss and later I started on the road of "my husband's got money issues". It really got me for a few minutes because, well, we've just lately started to get to a place of being able to cover the necessities.
Anyway, I left in the car to go get my son at work. While I was out, it hit me. I was headed down a path I'd been on many times before, a path toward hopelessness. But in that moment a big realization came. . . This is a test. It's a test of whether or not I'm truly over it. And I wasn't. That was the bad news. But the good news was that it only took me 10-15 minutes to see what was happening and opt out. And from that moment on I was peaceful. I was in faith. I remembered that God is in charge of the details and that I am abundantly blessed. It was an empowering thing to observe in myself. I have to say - a breakthrough of sorts. So, I sit here this moment writing my blog with a one hundred dollar bill on my lap. That's gotta mean something, right? Maybe I am over it. Maybe the windows of heaven are opening. Even if I'm not, what better way to live than believe that I am? ~Julie

The Dance of Life

Last week was an amazingly difficult week for me. I had a horrible conversation with someone who "pushed all my buttons", my position at my job was given to someone else, I was getting over yet another dating relationship with a guy I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life with (even though he's delightful, we're not "equally yoked"), AND I had PMS. It was an awful, rotten, no good, very bad week.

This week on the other hand, has been just as terrific as last week was horrible! I went to the Women's Expo, and won the drawing to have the carpets in my whole house cleaned for FREE!!! (They came and did it yesterday!) I found out that not only do I get half of my former husband's 401(k), but I also will get half of his pension upon retirement, and the attorney has already submitted the paper work for that at the time of the divorce - I had no clue, this was news to me! I ordered new business cards with a beautiful picture of me dancing as the background! I got to ride on the back of Harley Davidson 1200 - spur of the moment! A guy asked me out, and wanted to go out with me bad enough to be willing to take me to the World of Dance Concert at BYU for our date! My kids went with me to choir practice on Sunday. Monday we had a GREAT Family Home Evening, and so far we've had four sit down meals together already this week! Can you believe how many wonderful things have happened right in a row?

I realize that this life is much like a roller coaster. Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, but if we're down, we can rest assured that the blessings will very soon be on their way. "There must needs be an opposition in all things."

We are here to learn and grow. There would be no learning or growth without challenges - defeats and triumphs. Life is never boring. And if we stick around long enough, and keep on trying, we're bound to learn something and progress to a higher level of understanding. I love the climb. I love the journey. I love practicing until I get something right. "Bring on the rain" I say. It is exhilarating. I love life! ~ Julia

More Journey, Part 3 (women)

What else has been part of my journey? Definitely the gathering of women. I have been a part of several women's circles. We have gathered as family, as friends, as sisters. The first women's group I was part of was "Girl's Night Out" with my sisters, my sister-in-law, and my mom. We did a wide variety of stuff together. We made herbal skin care products and then did facials on ourselves. We did yoga once and even some chanting and also energy work on each other. Sometimes we just laughed and talked. This group of women are a great and continuing strength to me. We help each other.
Another of my women's groups started around the same time, with the other side of the family. My husband's sister and five nieces and a friend. These women I have come to know in a way that I would never have known them without this experience. It formed sort of spontaneously and we met once per month for about two years after that. Each gathering was very intentional. We always had a theme and assignments of what to bring or share. This was deep stuff. Stuff about being a woman and all of it's different aspects. It became a place where I shared my deepest desires and fears. We heard each other's processes. And always honored them no matter what they were.
The third women's circle I am still a part of, is part of my growing and stretching process. This is a circle that not only supports and validates me, but expects action of me. This is a circle that is committed to a process and an outcome. This circle calls me on my level of integrity. This is a circle that lovingly requires me to be what I said that I wanted to be and could be. This circle offers great benefits in many ways. This is a circle that is out to change the world, change women, change systems and bring empowerment.
What beautiful experiences and women I have been a part of. And they have been a part of me. And from such, I could see how my dreams to help women see the truth of who they are, seemed possible. ~Julie

Awakening to what some of my issues are:

In the thick of divorcing, I was met with an amazing amount of opposition. I now see that getting a divorce, was probably the single best decision that I ever made. But at the time, some were of a very different opinion. I had two church leaders who both counseled me to "repent" and take my husband back. One of these men still has stewardship over me today, and I meet with him occasionally. After our last "interview", I felt so emotionally beat up, so judged and berated, that I cried and cried when I returned home. I prayed for comfort and understanding. The spirit enlightened my mind so that I was able to see that what I was feeling, was victim energy! This man had many of the same mannerisms, similar body language and style of communicating, as my former husband! THESE WERE MY ISSUES! It wasn't him - IT WAS ALL ME!!!!!!! I had met my abuser in a different person - meaning that I felt similar triggers, my buttons were being pushed all over the place! This good man, striving to help and bless my life, was in no way responsible for my emotional reaction. I was hard wired, because of 21 years of abuse, to react defensively to his particular style.

After this realization I spoke with a dear friend who counseled me to continue fasting and praying in order to understand my feelings, and in order to come to peace with this leader's style, because he was not the only one who would "push my buttons" so to speak. I would have interactions over and over again with men and women with similar styles to my former husband, and if I didn't work through this, I would be debilitated, slapped upside the head and thrown into a tail spin, every time I was around them. It is my work, my job to come to understand my feelings and what causes them. It is my responsibility to heal enough to be able to work well with all types of people. I must become whole enough, safe enough, grounded enough, to be able to not let someone's style ruffle my feathers or ruin my day!

Do I have issues? YES!!!!! But I am becoming aware of them, bringing them into the light and working on them with all the energy of my whole soul! I honestly do my best, every single day of my life, and that's all any of us can do. ~ Julia

My Journey, Part 2 (childbirth)

Okay, so the next part of my journey is about childbirth. I gave birth 4 times. The first two I was asleep, the second two I had begun my journey to awakening. I am grateful for this in some ways, the contrast taught me a lot. What I didn't realize when I was asleep is that the medical world is very male dominated, very controlling, and not ideal for a low risk birth. Both my oldest son and my oldest daughter were low risk births. But, especially with my son, you wouldn't know so by the amount of medical intervention we experienced. I was scared into an epidural, which decreased my ability to be able to push properly, ending in a near c-section with episiotomy and pulling him out with "salad tongs". I lost so much blood that I almost needed a transfusion. Although I got to see him for a few minutes after the birth, I wasn't conscious for the first hours after that. I was to low on blood. It was a scary experience that left me feeling powerless. Yet, I didn't know there was any other way. Then child number two did arrive in a much more peaceful way, but still the doctors were in control. They said they were afraid of infection when I wanted to wait until the contractions started on their own after my water broke. So, they gave me some pitocin to get things moving. And because of that, I went ahead with the epidural again. Then, because the doctor wanted to be home by five, he had the nurses pushing on my stomach to get the baby to come sooner. My daughter was very unhappy when she was born. I feel like in her sadness and crying, she was teaching me. I didn't get it, still.
Not until a long time later when I was preparing to have my 3rd child. It was after I attended massage school and I had read a few books and realized that having babies in the hospital with male doctors and systems was not the only way to have your babies. I did a lot of healing as I prepared for this new way to birth. I wrote poetry and drew pictures, processed the old experiences and released beliefs. Child number three was born at home. It wasn't easy, by any means. It taught me a lot about myself and what I was capable of. It taught me that I could be empowered in the process of birthing. This daughter was born happy. My number 4 child was born in a birthing center, and was also a natural birth. I worked through some big stuff with him. I'm grateful for all of my children and the teaching they have done for my benefit and for their sacrifices for my learning.
What an amazing process the birthing process is! I am in awe of it everytime. When I hear beautiful birthing stories from more and more empowered women choosing their experience, it makes me so happy! ~Julie

Julia's Journey

I was completely unaware that I was "asleep". I was raised in a home by a Mother who had experienced sexual abuse as a child, this was something she could not control. In her marriage and mothering she became manipulative and controlling. My parent's marriage was not ideal. My Mother "wore the pants" in the family. There was a lot of fighting and belittling. When I married, I guess I thought that what I saw in my home was "normal", that that is how men and women interacted. Respect and trust were not modeled for me, so when those things were absent from my own marriage, I didn't recognize that anything was wrong.

My husband came from a horribly abusive home. I thought we could "break the chain" of abuse, but he was financially, verbally and emotionally abusive, in very subtle ways. After 20 years of marriage, we had seven beautiful children. One night he was fighting with our 14 year old daughter, and ended up throwing her down the stairs and then hitting her, kicking her and swearing at her while she was on the ground. This was different. This I could see. This I recognized as abuse.

Nine months later, when my daughter was slitting her wrists, I was "allowed" to take her to counseling. That's when the abuse was discovered and reported. DCFS began an investigation. The Lord gently guided me to an awakening that I needed to get me and my children safe. Within two and a half months I was divorced.

Everything has changed since that day. My DNA is different, (D - desires, N - nature, A -attitudes). I am a completely different woman today than I was three years ago when I took my daughter to her first day of counseling. I am independent, having awakened to my co-dependence, I've set boundaries, I've lost 50 pounds, I've become a much more nurturing mother and I've awakened to a perspective of abundance that has transformed my every thought and action. I am awake. I am alive. I am so grateful for my incredible journey. ~ Julia

My Journey, Part 1

So, my journey. . . I've been blessed. Truly. I was a mother of two young children, married, financially struggling, and not very happy. Asleep? Yes. But I was destined to awake and wanted it on some level, even though I didn't know it cognitively. I was looking for a way to increase our income and even though I had a bachelor's degree (in health promotion), I became very excited over the possibility to go back to school, this time massage school. I was intrigued by natural health. My mom & dad were in process of learning much in way of natural health. They had become vegetarians and had taught and encouraged their children to do so, which we all did because we are a family who loves to learn and improve. This was part of the journey, definitely. What great parents to open the door for more learning for me. They also helped me go to massage school. And that was an integral part of my experience. It changed everything for me, in the way I think and the person I now know myself to be. The classes and information was indeed interesting and made me feel alive to be learning it. But what really changed everything for me was one of the intructors. His name is Jonathan. And I owe a lot to him for the space he created for me. He is the person who taught me how to do energy work and emotional release work, but more importantly how to think about my own healing and how to really assist others in their processes. I worked with him for years. I received much work from him and took several classes from him, learned a lot from him. I will write more about the specifics of what I learned in future posts, because it is just how I think now.
Someone else who I must mention in this post who has been part of this journey for me in so many ways is my husband, Curtis. He has supported me in each step. He is on his own journey of awakening and of bringing his gifts and talents to those who would benefit from them. He is humble and teachable. He is passionate about serving. And he isn't afraid. So, he has walked right beside me, as we've been awakening together. He became a vegetarian with me, he's helped me through so many emotional processes as I've been finding myself. He makes things clear for me when I am confused. I couldn't ask for a more loving and supportive partner.
These people have been a part of my journey. I am blessed. ~Julie

The Vision!

The spiritual creation always precedes the physical creation. My vision of this incredible Women's Center, is very real in my mind. If I were to produce a brochure, welcoming women to the Grand Opening, it might read something like this:

"Welcome to this wondrous sanctuary, where you will find peace to your soul. Here is space to "just be". Listen to the waterfall, sit by the fire, walk in the gardens. Listen. Think. Feel. Answers are found in stillness. Make an appointment to meet your sacred self.

Yoga, Art Therapy, Massage, Therapeutic Dance, and Essential Oils are just a few of the things you will find to "fill the well within". Create the experience that you want to have for yourself. Find quiet corners to be alone or join with others in classes, workshops or weekend get-aways. Come to be nourished. Come away with a shift in perspective. See the truth of who you really are.

You will live better, and love better because you were here."

One day this vision will become reality and I will be able to greet you there. ~ Julia

Awaken!

So what does "awakening" mean? In order to awaken, one must be asleep first. What we are talking about here is being asleep to who you really are, asleep to your true nature, to your gifts and talents and really appreciating them, asleep to your true inner beauty, asleep to your worth and importance. How many people on the planet are indeed asleep to these things? We see them every day. We can tell on the outside if they have awakened to their truth by how they speak of themselves and others, what their expression is when they think no one is looking, and even how they dress or take care of themselves. We can tell if they are taking the time to nurture themselves and their relationship to the Divine or only everyone else in their lives. What do they talk about when there is time to chat? The negativity of their circumstances or the joys?

So, this waking up, how does it happen? Awakening happens differently for each person. Sometimes we are forced into it, or so it seems, through illness, divorce, financial worries or some kind of crisis. We go looking for answers. Or perhaps things have gone well in life, but we're still not happy. Why? We may come to awakening through an intense physical challenge in life. We know of people who take seriously an exercise regimen, training for a marathon or triathlon that leads to self-discovery, even if that was not the original intent. Sometimes schooling or learning something new, can lead to an awakening. Mine started as a result of attending massage school. It opens our minds to other ways of living, besides what we have always done. Taking up a new hobby that causes us to access a hidden talent may bring an awakening. Self-reflective journaling could be a catalyst. Visiting another country or meeting a person very different from ourselves may be enough to trigger the beginning of a self exploration. But however it happens it is vital to our happiness. We need to know who we are at the core and need to know that it is good, it is really good, because we are creations of God, children of Spirit. We have Divinity within us. And each day that we can remember this, is a day that we will shine, inspiring others as we go! ~ Julie